Okay, I have to blog about this because this has been going on for a while and I have to get my own thoughts straightened out over this. Nancy, we have talked about it briefly but this is the full monty. I know we will talk about this some more...
Hiro came back from Italy, energized and happy. Passed his third degree black belt in bohjutsu, didn't pass his fourth degree in karate. But overall, he enjoyed being able to do high level practices with people from all over the world. He loved that Pam told thanked him for being Minagawa-sensei's aitei for his fifth level bohjutsu.
Hiro also missed us so much that he said he never wants to go to another international retreat again without his family! (A big change in attitude as I know he left looking forward to just hanging out with the guys without worrying about us.) But with time and analysis, problems arose.
Shin passed his fourth level karate exam. But more than passing, in the closing address, Ito-sensei said in tears, watching Shin's exam made him proud. That when they had broken off from shotokan, Egami style to start shintaido, they wanted it to always be "true" honmono. Shin's exam made Ito-sensei feel they were able to accomplish what they set out to do. He called Shin's movement "something that should be in the Louvre Museum."
Shin is awesome. I know you don't know him that well, neither do I really, but he is like the best of Oi and Ishii combined. During my four-month stay in San Francisco, I had the tiniest little crush on him (big secret!) But besides that he lived in San Jose, was so busy AND showed no interest (he is uber nice to everyone), I felt he was just so much of a better human being than me. We didn't even spend enough time for a crush to blossom, but there is one thing he said to me that changed my life.
He was going back to Japan to break up with his long-term girlfriend who was completely beautiful and saintly. But he said this, "She is very sweet but not strong enough to stop me from doing something bad. Let's say for example, I got into drugs or something, she would just stand by me instead of stopping me." Not that I'm the standing by type to begin with, but in my marriage, I have so often done that for Hiroshi when he was beginning to slide into his own abyss. Without Shin's words, I may not have acted with such conviction, time and time again.
Enough about Shin for now. What perturbed Hiro was this: What exactly was it that Shin had that he didn't have? In time, he would analyze that from a pure physical viewpoint, Shin's performance was nowhere near the technical level of some of Miyamoto-sensei's disciples of Egami style. But Hiro watched Shin and knew what Ito-sensei meant about it being deserving of Louvre distinction. But what was it?
(Now I am going to lose all my readers except Nancy)
In one word, Hiroshi doesn't have eiko. In that heated talk with Ishii, that was their huge bone of contention. Ishii never went out and said "Hiroshi, doesn't have eiko." But instead, he KEPT repeating, "Oi and I have different philosophies and we both have eiko. That's why we are a good combination." At one point, it became almost a taunt and tempers flared up.
So Nancy, that's why you were the "hero" of that night because you have more eiko than us. We all agreed on that. At one point, I described my interpretation of eiko as "running your heart out in belief that there is light at the end of the tunnel even when it is completely dark." Faith.
Eiko is so fascinating because it's people like Kaino who have unforgettable eiko because it's so simple but it comes from the heart.
I know even you sometimes doubt but during your exam, your tenshingoso was so bright and pure, it was done in the spirit of eiko. Even Oi was so impressed.
My position that night with Ishii was that I KNOW I don't have enough eiko and I want to work towards it in non-shintaido aspects of my life. Gave some examples that Ishii thought were intriguing and could relate to. But Hiro's problem was that he doesn't even acknowledge that is his problem and work on it!!!
That night, I also found out Hiro was kind of miffed about something else. That in Italy, the technical committee had decided to not teach a certain kata in the belief that too many people could get hurt if it was not done correctly. Oi and Ishii argued to no avail. Hiro was outraged. Even more so after he found out that in fact there was a seat for a Japan rep that was open. Not that he had delusions that his presence would have made a difference at that time, but he wanted to argue it. He also believed that they would devise a system of teaching it safely.
He wrote to Oi about being on the committee and got no reply. He told Ishii and his response was ambivalent. Ishii was okay with it initially but warned him that it involved a lot of adminstrative crap. Then they got into a huge argument over K. (Hiroshi was dysfunctional after the exams over the fact that people thought it was his video making that annoying beeping sound. He was hyperventilating in anger!) Clearly, Hiro's emotional stance about K makes him unsuitable to be judging people on a technical level.
By now, thankfully, I have made him realize that his irrational attitude is stupid. That he has to "rise above" and "teach" K in acceptable ways to be a better instructor.
After the heated talk with Ishii, I advised Hiroshi to write to Aoki-sensei about how he felt, tell Aoki that he wants to be in a position of determining the future of the martial art. Even Ishii knows Aoki-sensei has a sweet spot for Hiroshi and wants him more involved. In his words "He likes Hiroshi better than me. I do feel a bit of a guy's jealousy!" (Interesting eh?) He purposely called him down for that presentation of young instructors at the gasshuku. But Hiroshi doesn't know what to write, he doesn't know what his role is.
So instead of going deep inside himself to figure his role in this, he tries to escape it by dabbling in other things and feeling frustrated by everything. On a paper serviette yesterday, he wrote down all the things that is bumming him out. Not experienced enough in judo, aikido sensei is too sick and old to teach, guilt about not doing calligraphy. (There was a work reason but we quickly resolved it and he's happy about it now.)
Okay, if he wasn't feeling so bad, I felt like slapping him. By diverting himself, he feels less accomplished and is now more down and out than ever. Even judo, he just does judo along with the kids to kill time. And he's frustrated he's not as good as the kids, but ones who have been doing it already for over ten years!!!! Slap-slap him into his senses.
And he curses in the kitchen every morning and at his computer at night. Though he knows better to take it out on any of us, he is clearly hurting inside. Like Shin said, a real woman will stop her man from self-destructive behavior. So last night, we had long talk until 2 am.
And we still have more to say, which is why I am writing this to sort out to myself about what I should say and what he should do.
1) Stop getting into the cycle of believing if he had more freedom, he would be able to achieve what he wants. Look at S. He married K and does everything but no one follows him.
2) Make goals to teach others besides himself. This is really the huge issue. That Hiroshi only thinks about how he can improve and not about how others can improve. Yes, he is an excellent instructor at teaching workshops and specific skills but he is so deficient at setting long-term goals for others.
He needs to practice leadership. So I am asking him to make sure that Toda, Nancy and I pass our next exams. In reality, none are difficult but it gives him a goal for bettering others.
With the kids, I'll let him decide. But it maybe ensuring they pass their next kanken exam, swimming badge and win at least one judo match. He is so lost in feeling sorry for himself when he has so much. But thinking about others, he will improve.
3) Write a letter to Aoki-sensei. I have asked him to do it and he hasn't been able to so I will help with it. Make sure it's sent out.
Last night I told him he will recover and rise up from this. In thirteen years of marriage, we have gone through so much. Yes, sometimes I feel like if he is my teenage son.
But I don't know what a "husband" is suppose to be like. Someone who bosses me around? I know he massages my feet when I am tired and carries our ski equipment on trips.
There had been times I have doubted him. But he proved me wrong. I told him I now have faith in him. He thanked me with tearful eyes. Family is the single most challenging thing in life.
